Do I Dare Wear Bling on my Butt?

Can I just say that whoever invented stretchy denim is brilliant!! They deserve every penny they made on the deal. And then some.

Fluffy women everywhere have finally found redemption.

I normally hate to go clothes shopping because I always come home depressed. Why can’t anyone make cute clothes for women who are “un-skinny”? It seems like clothing for bigger women just accentuates the negative, and finding jeans that fit right and were even the tiniest bit flattering was impossible in the past.

Enter skinny jeans. I have never in my life bought clothes that say “skinny” anywhere on them, so I didn’t mind one bit that these said “skinny large size jeans”. Works for me. I love how they stretch where they need to stretch so I don’t have to lay down on my bed and turn purple from holding my breath, just to put them on. I am just not sure how I feel about having bling on my backside though.

                    

Normally putting on jeans is quite a process. 

Lay flat on your back. Suck in your stomach region as much as possible, and hold that pose until you can wrangle the brass button through the button hole. This may take a minute, so be sure to get a big breath before you begin, being careful to hold the air in your chest area only. Once the button is secured you can begin to breathe again.

Now the work really begins. Try to find the zipper thingy at the bottom of the bulge below the brass button. Pry the zipper up no more than one inch. Rest and breathe. Repeat this process until the zipper is completely closed. Be sure to push the zipper thingy back down laying flat so it is now pointing at your feet.This will lock the zipper. Otherwise when you move, it will unzip itself and you must begin again.

                              

The last step must be executed with great caution. Roll over on your now squished stomach. The goal at this point is to work your way to the edge of the bed so you can lift the head end of your now stiff-boarded self upward, while lowering the feet end to the ground. Once your feet touch the floor, fling yourself upward until you end up in a vertical standing position. Continue the last step until the desired outcome is achieved.

Hopefully you remembered to put shoes and socks on beforehand because there is no way in heck that you will be able to touch your toes for at least eight hours. After that point, the jeans will begin to relax and by the end of the day you should be able to sit at least semi-comfortably. The good news is that next time you put these pants on it will be much easier. That is until you wash them again, at which point you must repeat the entire process explained above.

I love the entire stretchy denim concept.

Now I am able to put my new jeans on while continuing to breathe normally. And I can even stand upright at the same time. Novel concept, right? I never thought I would be a person who would wear bling on my butt, but if that is what it takes to wear skinny jeans, I’d say it is worth the sacrifice.