Confessions of a Parking Stalker

There aren’t many things I don’t absolutely love about being a student at Utah Valley University, but parking is definitely one of them. And I don’t think I am the only one who feels that way. It has been a topic of heated discussion in many of my classes.

                         

In reality, does purchasing a parking pass mean I can always get a space for my car? Not unless I exhibit parking stalker behavior. And I must admit I have gotten pretty good at it.

There is true strategy in victoriously stalking people for their coveted spot, and it means you have to be aggressive. First, you must arrive at least 15 minutes before you actually need to start walking to class. Find a spot next to a sidewalk where students are leaving the building and going to their cars. Be sure your vehicle is facing the direction your prey will be walking, so you can follow them to the actual parking lot you want to end up in. Now wait for your stalkee.  

                         

                         

When a potential candidate walks by the side of your car, quickly roll down your window and politely ask if they are actually parked in the lot you desire. This is essential, because chances are they had to use the lot in the north forty and are just passing through. Once you have verified they are a qualified target, ask for permission to follow them directly to their spot. I use the following phrase, “Can I please parking stalk you?” and that has done the trick.

Put your vehicle in gear and slowly move forward, being sure to follow your victim closely without actually running over them. Be certain to put your blinker on to indicate you are going to use their spot, or another determined parker may try to steal it right out from under you. As you pull into the coveted parking space, smile kindly at the line of cars waiting, as if to say, “Oh, sorry! You have been waiting for a spot for thirteen minutes too?”

Now cautiously exit your vehicle. You may want to walk as closely as possible to the previously parked cars surrounding you. This should provide a buffer so you can avoid being hunted down by the other exasperated students, who are also late for class because they can’t find a parking place.

                    

Many times I have ended up parking way out there in the lot on the very east edge of campus. I can even make the claim that I have used the space furthest from campus. That’s fun. However, it is only after I have become desperate, and have unsuccessfully stalked for the maximum time possible.

But hey, on the bright side, who needs to go to the gym for exercise when you need to park at UVU, right?